Nov 112012
 

Mornin’

So I’m walking through a field of assorted farmland creatures, and suddenly there is a man yelling in an unknown tongue sprinting side to side in a semi threatening motion. Obviously this can only mean that the United States has failed in its peace efforts, and nuclear war between Canada and Mexico had broken out. With this knowledge in hand I quickly got into the jet that I purchased for this very event and flew to one of 6 safe places on the planet, my mothers house. Upon my arrival I was immediately accosted with an assortment of ¬†pastry that would make John Lenin blush. Flash backwards 19 years and I see the first time I ever got hit by a plane while sleeping at home in bed. I can see Lil Muffins our pet Yiddish Schnauzer, 49th generation purebred fighting Schnauzer, although they have only for the past 16 generations been teaching them Yiddish. Their sentence structure leaves something to be desired, but otherwise a¬†success full¬†effort. Anyways, both of the cities in Canada, Toronto, and Vancouver, have been wiped out at this point, and no one is certain if there are cities in Mexico, although rumors are rampant. Long story short, the whole thing was a coup for power over the Canadian landmass by the Triceratop and before anyone noticed or had time to protest they had taken over all public civic duties. It is still unknown if there are cities in Mexico.

The End.

Nov 102012
 

Mornin’

Alrighty, so I was going¬†to work one day right? Wrong. I was actually touring¬†Nebuchadnezzar¬†temple in¬†Babylon. Anyways¬†I’m in this temple and some fine¬†Betty¬†pops up in the distance and so I’m lookin’ at¬†her and¬†then BOOM a pitchfork sails across the room and pins her to the wall. The party continues, but I decide to leave. On the short jog home to the hotel I was¬†stopped for directions twice by hoodlums¬†and forced into conversation at gunpoint by a small¬†Yiddish¬†woman, otherwise¬†uneventful. Unfortunately there was a triceratops in my hotel room so I was back out into the night¬†seeking shelter or entertainment. So¬†I go to the bar and it turns out that the owner¬†of the bar knows a guy who is¬†partially trout. Long story short,¬†I went along for the ride and¬†I can¬†confirm the man is indeed part trout. Thursday of the next week we were yachting down the¬†Yangtze¬†in a schooner built out of jet¬†ski’s purchased from¬†the¬†set of Eastbound & Down. Two thirds of the crew were wiped out in a terrible¬†stabbing accident the first night and I was finally able to sleep. Unfortunately the woman who was responsible for¬†waking me up was murdered to death and I slept on that boat for 90 days before being awoken¬†in¬†Boston. Apparently some kids found my¬†vessel lodged in a tree and hauled me out and tossed me in a plane. Long story¬†short I get married to some young¬†feisty¬†Irish¬†Betty¬†and then she murders our children and¬†I got an¬†annulment.

Seven years to the hour from when I left to get to work I arrived right on time to start the day. I found some kid sitting in my desk so I broke his legs and told him to walk home because he was no longer needed. Apparently he was needed, I was fired within 6 months of taking my job back.

The End.

Nov 092012
 

Mornin’

So I’m ballin’ since its a¬†Thursday¬†and I just got paid. Literally went straight to the grocer and bought the ish out of some fruit and¬†vegetables¬† Flash forward 15 minutes and you are looking at a man who has now enough food to last for almost a week and the only challenge remaining is the trip home. I’m in the middle of some major¬†Midwestern¬†city, lets call it the D. So I am headed home and I look ahead and it looks to be a fleet of sheep formed up in the middle of the road. I creep up on them slowly and it turns out they are trick sheep. I was now addicted to heroine and I had three tricks named Betty. As the years passed, I instructed over a dozen Betty’s and ran territory from 7 Mile all the way to¬†Wyoming. Long story short I got arrested back in ‘aught four and had to put in some time for tax¬†evasion. Luckily the prison is since been shut down from lack of funds so I am out now. I left the¬†Midwest¬†and returned to my homeland in eastern¬†Europe¬†with nothing but the 44 dollars in my wallet, the clothes on my back, and one shoe. I bought a villa with 300 acres overlooking the capital city from my private hill with in home lake. With the remaining money I have started to buy my way into the upper¬†echelon¬†of the political order and I believe soon I will be minister of¬†infrastructure. Unfortunately during the night before my big debate I rented a room at the hotel where the debate was being held. Turns out there was a triceratops in my room so I did not sleep very well. This led to a poor performance in the debate and the communist candidate won. I¬†don’t¬†remember anything after that but apparently I started some sort of a cool or cold war and long story short,¬†Russia¬†no longer controls my country and I am now minister of infrastructure.

The End.